Shaking fingers and pressing send: Auxiliares Application Pt. 1

I shook my head in frustration as I entered my birthday for what felt like the hundredth time. Day. Month. Year. Year written as the full date. Days and weeks with zeros before the single digits. Again. Again. The wiring between my fingers and my brain feel so overwhelmed with emotion that my fingers shake, as if all of the apprehension and excitement could escape through the pads of my fingers.

Slowly the methodical nature of the application calmed my nerves. I would not fail and I could not impart my feelings through the interwebs, so I must try for precision. This application could be my golden ticket to Spain. The door through which I might acquire my visa. This application, if accepted, could make me an auxiliar de converscion in Spain, a program which pairs native English and french speakers from the US and Canada with Spanish schools to serve as language assistants. Working 20 hrs a week they pay you just enough to cover your living expenses, but most auxiliares pick up some extra euros by teaching English on the side. This is my dream, my plan, my aspiration.

I have dreams of discovering different parts of Spain. I have dreams of figuring out whether or not I might want to pursue a teaching degree back in the states. I have dreams of honing in my Spanish abilities. I have dreams of crying in frustration as I try and make local friends. I have dreams of weekend adventures and vacation explorations. I have dreams of reconnecting with friends and family which I left in Spain when I was ‘forced’ to return to my traditional college education.


When, more than an hour later, I had attached my letters of recommendation and letter of intent. I selected my regions of choice, #1 Galicia, #2 Baleares, #honestly I don’t remember what I put here. (whoops) I double checked the rest of my information. I pressed send.

I wanted to weep from joy and the release of tension. I wanted to whoop and holler, to sing and to dance, but I was a work, so I refrained from more than just a guttural exclamation of joy. I was the 1065th applicant. I probably had no shot at the Baleares, but Galicia was calling my name and I couldn’t imagine that all of those people were standing in line in front of me. It felt like the future was happening all around me.

My coworker Molly shouted congratulations and support from the other side of our adjoining cube wall. It was amazing. (I felt like this dog)

Knowing there was still one more step to complete, the information to be submitted via actual mail, I clicked around the website until I found it. I printed off the bit I had to sign in person to confirm my information and I printed off the checklist.

Picking up the paper, still warm from the printer, I quickly signed the application and then moved to the checklist. That’s when I saw it, the error that could be the reason I was disqualified from the application before I had even begun.

I felt my stomach sink and I felt my future fall away from me. I was without words devastated.

Parting Waves, Stockholm, Sweden

Here’s to hoping the skies clear up and the sun comes back out

To find out what happened when my world stood still, come back next Monday.
Until then keep wandering,